Jumping to Conclusions
by cheekymice
Summary: Alt title: How DiNozzo’s Colorful Lifestyle Puts a Perverse Slant on Rational Thinking. A purely humorous look at how Tony's love life makes him jump to the wrong conclusion when he's faced with a certain... um....medical problem.


**Title: **Jumping to Conclusions or How DiNozzo's Colorful Lifestyle Puts a Perverse Slant on Rational Thinking

**Fandom: NCIS**

**Author:** **cheekymice**

**Rating: **HARD R for language and content

**Beta: **None so all mistakes are mine. Sorry.

**Genre:** Humor with a soupcon of smut.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything relating to the TV show NCIS sadly.

**Story: **Just a little episode of sillyness because I can. Enjoy!

For **60schic** and **iantalia**

**Jumping to Conclusions or How DiNozzo's Colorful Lifestyle Puts a Perverse Slant on Rational Thinking**

Tony lifted his head off his bed and lazily stretched. He blinked his eyes several times to grow accustomed to the morning light and gave a big yawn. A slow grin spread across his face as the sight of a lithe and very naked female homed into view, tangled up in the sheets with her pert ass on display.

Heeeeello!

He reached over and slapped the smooth white flesh as his morning wood gave a happy little dance in anticipation.

A pair of blue eyes opened and she slithered her way over until she was lying stretched out on top of his body.

'Ohhhh…Morning Tony…' She grinned up at him as her hands stroked his chest hair.

He opened his mouth to reply then paused.

Fuck!

What was her name? He quickly covered by leaning down and kissing her.

Katie, Cathy, Claire…Cassandra…no, Cassandra had been Monday night…damn.

He came up for air.

Nope, he had nothing. What the hell was her name!

Maybe when his brain function returned to a semblance of normality he'd be able to think clearer but considering it felt like 90% of his blood was pooling south of his navel, he wasn't entirely surprised to find her name had eluded him.

'Morning Gorgeous,' He growled throatily as he squeezed her ass, pressing her firmly down against his hardness.

She giggled.

Point to DiNozzo for classic avoidance play!

Tony flipped her onto her back and nuzzled her neck as his hands roamed. He murmured his standard --'I'm about to get laid so I'm going to shower you with a million compliments routine.

If her purring was anything to go on it was working just fine.

Anyway, what was a name between friends when he had far more urgent matters to attend to?

He moved on to her breasts and groaned around her nipple as he sucked and nipped.

He tried to slow things down but it was morning and he was always a bit hyper at that time of the day. And it really didn't help matters that a certain part of 'Jane Doe's' anatomy was _way _too near a certain part of _his_ anatomy for comfort and the devil on his shoulder was frantically telling him to just slip it right on in there.

Oh God, he was so tempted and it was there for the taking, his hard-on eagerly nudging her wetness and it had been way…way too many years since he'd ridden bareback. Years since his cock had felt the pure unadulterated sensations of a prophylactic free shag.

_Go on…do it._

Ms Doe was bucking her hips and wriggling around under him, tempting him with her pouty lips, big boobs and her half closed eyes.

His hips bucked forward as his body instinctively sought out the wet and warm source of pleasure but somehow he managed to pull back before the DiNozzo express entered the tunnel.

Whoa!

Tony swallowed hard and mentally slapped himself on the back of the head as the only brain cell still working called him a 'Stupid, stupid fucker'. Quite literal he thought.

He groped his nightstand for the open pack of condoms and with his teeth he ripped the foil packet. With one fluid movement he quickly and expertly sheathed himself one-handed. Hey, it wasn't like he hadn't had the practice.

Feeling rather virtuous, he was soon lost in a sweaty game of his own invention he liked to call 'Jackhammer' which was basically an exercise in seeing how just hard and fast he could thrust before he was warned to calm it down.

He rocked at the rough and energetic side of sex, he wasn't really into slow and tender and most women didn't complain. Women who picked up men in bars didn't generally want a sensitive lover who cosseted and cuddled. They wanted a wham, bam thank you ma'am fuck.

And who was he not to provide that service.

Oh yeah. Today was going to be a good day.

Or not as the case may be….

'Oh fuck Carrie!' He groaned as he pumped energetically into her.

The eyes narrowed and her hips stopped moving.

'My name is Casey!'

Crap.

* * *

_Two week and numerous random 'dates' later…._

Tony shifted in his seat and tried to ignore the irritating itch.

Dammit.

He bit his lip and suspiciously looked across at where Ziva was sitting. Her head was down and reading a file on her desk, then he slid his eyes across to McGee, he was on the phone and looking the other way and Gibbs was staring at his computer screen like he wanted to shoot it. Good, as it seemed like today every time he looked up from his desk someone was eyeballing him.

Tony slipped his hand into his lap and scratched. He shut his eyes at the blissful relief it gave but as soon as he stopped, the itch was back.

So he scratched harder.

He hoped that no one else in the vicinity was watching as it probably looked like he was pleasuring himself at his desk but as he clawed he didn't much care. Oh yeah, that felt good.

'Something wrong DiNozzo?'

His eyes flew open. How the hell did Gibbs do that! He wasn't even looking. It was like the man had eyes in the back of his head or something.

'No boss.'

'Then get on with your report.' Gibbs peered at him over the top of his glasses.

'Yes boss.'

Tony quickly removed his hand and placed it on his keyboard. Gibbs was worse than his old nanny, she always seemed to know when his hand was making its way to his groin too. He shuddered as he remembered the repercussions. To this day he couldn't look at a woman with a blue rinse without suffering a mild panic attack.

He shifted in his seat again.

Arghhhhhh.

* * *

By mid afternoon he was officially going insane.

It felt like a bunch of fire ants had taken residence in his pants and work was becoming impossible as he spent most of his time inventing new ways of scratching without seeming to be doing so.

And whatever it was seemed to be spreading.

He casually got up from his desk and made his way to the head.

When he was inside, he checked that he was alone before heading for a cubical.

His hands scrabbled at his belt, he unzipped with indecent haste and pushed his boxers and chino's down so he could inspect himself for what probably was the tenth time that day.

Oh shit.

It _was_ getting worse.

What had started off the previous night as a few alarming spots on his member …was now a livid rash that spread down his thighs and was now creeping up onto his stomach.

Big red spots that itched like crazy.

He shut his eyes and cursed to himself.

He was always careful!

Well…mostly careful with maybe a few minor indiscretions thrown in when he got a little carried away but he _was_ pretty religious when it came to wearing a condom. Hell, the pharmaceutical companies should give him air miles he was such a frequent flyer.

Tony made sure he had a plentiful supply of skins no matter what he was doing because you never knew when the opportunity might …um…arise.

Point in case - when his fifteen-year-old self had unexpectedly found himself having rather hurried sex at the back of a darkened auditorium during a long and boring lecture on 'The Rise and Fall of Montezuma' with a girl from a neighboring school.

He never wanted to go through that again, thinking he was about to become a father with an uptight WASP…who, when the lights had come up he had discovered had a rather alarming case of acne and a face like a Bulldog chewing on taffy. It had not been a pleasant experience. He remembered those three torturous weeks spent shitting himself whilst in contact with the hysterical girl --who suddenly hated him with a passion because it had solely been his fault obviously-- waiting for the missed period to arrive.

He looked down at his cock and scratched again.

This was probably the bad karma shit that Abby kept warning him about.

He'd obviously caught some nasty STD and he didn't have a clue who from because he was a 'man whore' according to Abby.

His cock was probably going to rot off and he'd have to live the rest of his life without sex.

He'd end up with several cats and a tartan travel rug wrapped around his legs as he sat watching home improvement shows.

Hell, he'd probably have to start collecting buttons like Petey to fill his sexless life.

He could feel the panic start to build. He felt all hot and sweaty just thinking about all the evil little germs careering around his body.

Shit, there was no putting this off.

He'd have to make an appointment at 'the clinic' and suffer through the indignity of many embarrassing questions about his sex life whilst a rubber gloved, sour faced harridan pawed at his package and looked at him like he was some sort of sexual deviate because he liked sex….a lot.

Tony took one last look just in case the rash had miraculously disappeared…nope, still there and still as itchy as fuck.

He pulled up his pants and exited the bathroom. He'd make an appointment from outside the building as there was no way he wanted Ziva to overhear that particular conversation. He'd never hear the end of it.

He chewed nervously on his fingernail as he walked past the coffee cart.

'Any special reason why you are not at your desk finishing that report DiNozzo?'

The voice made him jump and he almost jabbed himself in the eye with a finger. He looked up to see Gibbs staring at him, coffee in hand.

Was the man freaking omnipresent!

'Um…I was…' He wafted one hand in the direction of the street while the other hand of its own volition scratched lazily at his stomach.

'With me DiNozzo.' Gibbs crooked his finger at him.

Great.

He followed behind like a man on his way to the gallows and it didn't help that Gibbs led him to the elevator and within a second of pressing the down button he flicked the switch.

'Talk.' Gibbs took a swallow of his coffee.

That was to the point.

'Nothing to talk about boss.' He went for nonchalant, as nonchalant as he could get when he was fidgeting like a five year old needing to pee. He really, really needed to scratch again.

Gibbs just stared at him and Tony knew he wasn't getting out alive without an explanation.

He took a deep breath.

'Um…well…I…um…'

'Spit it out DiNozzo!' Gibbs barked.

Oh yeah, because it was so easy telling your boss you'd caught a 'social disease' …so he just blurted it out.

'I think I've caught a dose…um…I've got a rash…down there….'

He gave an exaggerated nod of his head downwards.

'I don't know how….I mean… obviously I _do_ know _how_ but ….I'm always safe….well, not always because there was that time in college when I caught…'

'DiNozzo!'

Okay, so he'd been speaking at a thousand miles an hour.

Gibbs flicked the switch.

'Go see Duck.'

'Ducky…but…'

Crap!

'You see any other doctor around here?' Tony couldn't help but notice that Gibbs looked amused. Yeah, this was real funny boss.

'I thought I'd just make an appointment at the clinic for tomorrow.' He mumbled.

'Nope, not gonna watch you scratching your crotch for the rest of the day.'

Hey… he'd been stealth! Tony pouted petulantly.

'But Ducky….' He started but Gibbs finished the sentence as the doors opened revealing autopsy.

'…is a doctor and he'll check you out. Come on.'

He was sure his bastard boss was enjoying this.

Palmer and Ducky both looked up as they entered.

'Need you to take a look at Tony, Duck.' Gibbs said cheerfully.

'I'll just go and take these samples up to Abby.' Palmer nervously edged his way to the door. Tony wondered if the Autopsy Gremlin would ever feel at ease around Gibbs.

Probably not if the look of terror on his face was anything to go by.

'So what seems to be the problem young man?' Ducky waved him over.

'He thinks he's caught the pox.' Gibbs quickly answered for him and lowered his eyes downwards just in case Ducky was a bit slow.

Yeah, I don't think they quite heard you over at Capital Hill boss.

'Ohhhh...as they used to say in my day when we had to take a physical…' Ducky waved him over and snapped on a clean pair of gloves. 'drop 'em.'

Tony looked over at the door. It wasn't exactly the most private places to get your genitals out considering the big glass expense but Gibbs stood by looking like he'd probably stop anyone from entering.

With a sigh he unbuckled and dropped.

Ducky knelt down and lifted the tails of his shirt.

'Hmmmm…what have we here,' Ducky said as he prodded his stomach.

Someone please kill him now. If Ducky so much as cupped his balls he wouldn't be responsible for his actions as he was afraid that his fist might just shoot out of its own accord but thankfully Ducky just nodded to himself and stood up, pulling off his gloves as he did so.

'I'm afraid you do indeed have the pox… a very virulent case of the varicella zoster virus if I'm very not mistaken Anthony.' He confirmed.

'What?' Tony spluttered. 'What the hell is that?…Do I need shots or something…'

None of the sites he'd visited that morning had said anything about this varicella zoster thingy!

'I'm afraid not Tony…sadly there is no cure.' Ducky looked across at Gibbs.

Both appeared to be stiffening smiles.

'What is so fucking funny?' He all but yelled as he pulled up his pants. He was starting to get really pissed at their attitudes.

This was _not _remotely funny!

Okay, he did sleep around a lot but he was a nice guy and he didn't deserve this!

Ducky chuckled to himself.

'Relax DiNozzo …you have chicken pox!' Gibbs smiled sardonically.

'Huh!' His mouth opened and shut.

'Sergeant Manning's wife gave us a courtesy call last week to warn us the rug rats had been infectious when we visited.' Gibbs mouth twitched again in amusement. 'I checked the files and you were the only one who hadn't had chicken pox as a child, so I figured with your luck you'd probably catch it.'

Tony narrowed his eyes as Ducky chuckled. He swung around.

'You knew!' He whined.

'Who do you think checked the files for Jethro.' Ducky grinned.

'And you decided _not_ to tell me because?' He was swinging between being so fucking happy that his penis wasn't going to fall off and being annoyed that he'd wasted many hours worrying about nothing.

'And miss you spending all morning frantically Googling every STD under the sun?' Gibbs grinned. 'Thought it might help you rethink your lifestyle a little.'

'You are an evil man boss, evil!' Tony shook his head.

'Yup.' Gibbs looked quite proud. 'Now go home before you infect the rest of NCIS.'

Tony fumbled with his belt, pulling it tight as he walked to the elevator.

'Hey.' Gibbs called out just as the doors opened. 'You'll need this.'

Tony caught the bottle Gibbs had thrown to him and checked the label… calamine lotion.

'And don't scratch or I'll come round and staple mittens onto your hands.' Gibbs added as the doors shut.

Tony wasn't sure if he was joking about that last bit…knowing Gibbs probably not.

He wondered if Abby had had chicken pox because right now he could really, really do with a hug.

Stupid chicken pox.

**Fin.**

*grins*

Couldn't resist.

Speak to me and I'll love ya forever!


End file.
